agt_spooky | Thoughts? Opinions?

Hey all! Was wondering if you guys could read a couple of drabbles for me. I'm thinking of taking part in a short story contest for the writer's convention I'm attending later this year. So far I've come up with two entries and was wondering which one you guys prefered.

The rules are it must be exactly 200 words and it must be based on the below photo. It must also "scare the pants off Poe" and have a surprise, twist ending. That's a lot to cram into 200 words!

So here's what I've got...

Patience

Joseph sat with his back against the willow tree, waiting. Silent and unmoving, staring at the two crypts. He had learned patience over the past ten years. Patience, and oh so much more. Learning, growing stronger. Leading up to this moment. Words couldn't describe how eager he was to be reunited with…

Movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. A figure emerged next to one of the crypts, seemingly out of nowhere.

Finally. Finally.

Joseph stood, smooth and controlled, then approached the man, who was glancing around, confused.

“Hello, brother,” Joseph sneered. The man whipped his head toward Joseph and gasped, taking a step backwards.

Vincent shook his head violently. “This…this can't be happening…”

Joseph waved a hand at the crypts. “Can you believe they buried us next to one another? Me, an unsolved murder and you. My own, dear brother.”

Joseph advanced on the terrified man, eyes hard and cold. “Surprised to see me? Didn't you know? Ghosts hang about for a reason. For vengeance. For revenge. To get even with those who wronged us. Who murdered us."

Joseph’s smile was pure evil. “Welcome to the afterlife, Vincent. Let's get started.”

~~~~~~~

Trophies

I watch, unseen, the grieving mother walk away from the crypts, handkerchief pressed to her mouth. Mourning for her boys. Born on the same day. Died on the same day. She should take some comfort in that, knowing they were together.

I wonder when the day will come when I will no longer see her here, on this anniversary. I am surprised she still makes the pilgrimage after ten years.

Alone now, I kneel between the crypts, placing one hand on each. The stone is hard, rough beneath my palms, but warm from the sun. I take a deep, calming breath. The energy, the power I feel here each year flows through my body.

I reach out and trace my fingers over the names chiseled above the crosses – Tristan Grant…Malcolm Grant.

Crypts are many things to people. A place where a soul is at rest, at peace. A place for the living to come to speak to the dead. A place to bury someone and never think of them again.

I have lost count on the others, but these two are special to me. Precious. Never to be forgotten.

They are trophies.

For they were my first two kills.

~~~~~~~

Which is your favorite - Patience or Trophies?

Thanks, guys!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Trophies... But I might change the name.Those of us who watch Criminal Minds might guess they were his trophies.

Thanks so much for your feedback and vote! In the end it came down to just one vote separating the two and Patience won. :-) But I’m with you, my favorite was actually Trophies.

Thank you so much for your suggestion to change the title! I wasn’t even thinking that the title was a potential spoiler. I’m now calling it Anniversary.

Patience is my favorite.
I like the build up. It has an exciting energy.

Thanks so much for your feedback and vote! In the end it came down to just one vote separating the two and Patience won. :-)

Yay!

Definitely the second one, but I agree with morganslady, maybe you should change the title.

Thanks so much for your feedback and vote! In the end it came down to just one vote separating the two and Patience won. :-) But I’m with you, my favorite was actually Trophies.

And yes, that was a great suggestion from morganslady. I wasn’t even thinking that the title was a potential spoiler. I’m now calling it Anniversary.

Wow -- that was a really hard choice because I liked them both. In the end I would have to say "Trophies".

Thanks so much for your feedback and vote! In the end it came down to just one vote separating the two and Patience won. :-) But I’m with you, my favorite was actually Trophies.

They're both effective, but I definitely preferred Patience. I like the idea of the murdered man being able to exact vengeance in the afterlife. Trophies feels less frightening.

And why do I get the feeling you'll end up with something pretty close to a draw?

You nearly nailed it! In the end it came down to just one vote separating the two and Patience won. :-) Thanks so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

Wow! Both these stories impressed me. You are one hell of a writer in my opinion. It is hard to get to the essense of a tell in such a few short words. And either one of these would be an addition at the writer's con. Maybe the first one appealed to me a tiny bit more, but it is very hard to choose just one. Can you enter both?
Yes love Elfquest. Met Wendy and Richard years ago at a con and had the first volume of their comic signed. It was one of those that contained the first of the comics in one book. I have the last three now. And I just got the next issue of the Final Quest. Did miss a lot when I quit reading after she was no longer doing the art or stories. I also have a couple of drawings she did for me. Stongbow (my fav) and Khavi.

Thanks so much for your feedback and vote! In the end it came down to just one vote separating the two and the first one won. :-) Yes, I can actually enter both, but you have to pay a fee for each entry, so I’d like to keep it to just one.

I’m so jealous you got to meet Richard and Wendy and got the first issue signed! Boy, there’s a collectable that’s worth a pretty penny now. :-)

I think I like Trophies best.

THE SECOND ONE!!!

Thanks so much for your feedback and vote! In the end it came down to just one vote separating the two and the first one won. :-) But I’m with you, my favorite was actually Trophies.

The first was definitely scarier in my opinion. There is more tension, more anticipation. The second, while well written, doesn't contain the same sense of menace, because the action is completed, not about to start.

Just my two cents!

Thanks so much for your feedback and vote! I never thought about the fact that one story is happening in the present and the other in the past, so to speak. In the end it came down to just one vote separating the two and Patience won. :-)

wow - this is tough. they are both so powerful in so few words. But I think I like Patience just a bit more.

I think I loved Patience a little more, I have no reason why because they were both awesome. But I loved Patience more. Yes, that's the one. Nothing like revenge. Good luck, Barb.

Well Patt, congratulations! You were the deciding vote! You were the last one to vote and the stories were tied until you stepped in. So thank you! Glad you enjoyed them both, though. :-)

Oh how exciting. I did enjoy them both. I got goose bumps from Patience. :) I thought it was awesome.

trophies!!

Thanks, Maggie! And now I have a dead-even tie between the stories. :-) I guess that’s good, that people liked them both equally!

Thoughts? Opinions?

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Mousedm

Re: Mousedm

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